2011年3月7日 星期一

改了一篇作文, 大家隨便參考


文章日期:2011-03-07 23:27
獨立寫作

Topic:
The contributions of scientists to society are more valued than those of artists.

Depending on personal experience, personality type, and emotional concern, we find that some people think that the contributions of scientists to society are more valued than those artists meanwhile others do not think so. From my point of view, the scientists contribute to society more. My arguments for this point are listed as follows.

Depending on personal experience, personality type, and emotional concern, we find that some people consider the contributions of scientists to society more valued than those of artists, but others do not think so. From my point of view, scientists make more contribution to our society. My arguments for this point are listed as follows.

第一段的模板句不要用S vt that S vt that…這樣句子結構不漂亮我把它改成consider, that名詞子句的句子結構讀起來比較順



First of all, the scientists really change the way people live. For example, many scientists invent new things such as electricity, TV, light, computer, and communication system. In the old days, when people do not have computer, they need to watch the newspaper for finding a job, go to the post office for sending a letter, and waste so much time for collecting information. However, scientists make people live more convenience and easily. We can finish many things just stay at home and sit in front of the computer such as finding a job on internet, sending a letter by email, collecting the information you want though the ”Yahoo” , and social with friend by “Facebook” or “MSN” .Therefore, I really think those scientists really do many great things for human being.

First of all, scientists really change the way of living. For example, many scientists invent new things such as the electricity, TV, the light, the computer, and communication systems. In the past, when people did not have computer, they had to watch the newspaper to find a job, go to the post office to send a letter, and waste so much time on collecting information. In contrast, nowadays scientists make people live more convenient and easy. We can finish many things when just staying at home, and sit in front of the computer to find a job on the Internet, to send a letter by email, to collect the information we want though ”Yahoo” , and to make friends through “Facebook” or “MSN” .Therefore, I really think scientists really do many great things for human beings.

很多文法以及時態問題有些冠詞應該加有些不應該加, the scientists用定冠詞代表讀者知道是哪一群科學家這邊不用加the, 但是像computer不論是否指定都一定要加冠詞.
另外很多慣用語問題表目的用to V不要用for Ving
we can finish這句要就從頭到尾都有一致性用we, 中間跑出you會很錯愕
另外中間表達對比用in contrast比較好, However語氣是轉折而且對比應該是過去和現在加個nowadays時態比較清楚
慣用語:

the Internet
waste time on Ving
make a friend


Another reason can be seen by everyone is that the scientists make impossible things into possible. Never do the artist can achieve thing like the scientists. For instance, scientists can make dream come true for human could land on moon successfully. People can know about the surface characteristic of moon and influence the human culture such as art, myth, and calendar. Nevertheless, the artists although could benefit human's life in art or culture, they can not contribute such great work for society. Thus, I think the scientists really play an important role in our society.

Another reason is that scientists make impossible things possible. Never do the artist  make achievement like the scientists. For instance, scientists can make our dream come true: human has approached the moon successfully. People can know about characteristics of the moon’s surface and change our original thinking regarding the moon’s myth. Although the artists can benefit human's life in art or culture, they cannot contribute such great achievements for society. Thus, I think that scientists really play an important role in our society.

不會用倒裝句就盡量避免倒裝前面已經有助動詞do, 後面不應該再有助動詞can
還有用了太多的”thing”, 是什麼thing具體一點比較convincing
for instance後面的句子產生run-on, 如果是對前句做闡述可用冒號冒號裡面用完整句子
land on是責罵的意思approach表達接近
cannot兩個n要在一起


Last but not least, we can live without artists but we can not live without scientists. In other words, people need to satisfy with physical level before the spirit level. To illustration, in people's life, we can live without art work but we cannot live without the light or electric power. Hence, there is no one can deny that the scientist is really important in our society.

Last but not least, we can live without artists but cannot live without scientists. In other words, people tend to be more satisfied with physical enjoyment than with spirit apects. To illustration, in our life, we can live without art work but we cannot live without the light or the electric power. Hence, we cannot deny that the scientist is really important in our society.

Hence這句又產生run-on, 直接寫we cannot就好不用寫there be結構句子難懂又容易引起錯誤
還有段落結論不要一直用這樣到後來文章會很空洞


Taking into account all my arguments listed above, I have reached the conclusion that the contributions of scientists to society are more valued than those of artist. The scientists not only invent new things and make people's life easier but also do contribute to our society development.

Taking into account all my reasons listed above, I have to emphasize that the contributions of scientists to society are more valued than those of artist. The scientists not only invent new things and make people's life easier but also do contribute to our society development.

如果要重貼題目的話要做的漂亮點用個emphasize

總評整篇文章問題:

內容是還ok但是不夠具體文法和慣用語很多都錯也有很多重複字如scientists/contribution/people等等也有太多不必要的空洞句子和段落結論注意托福盡量不要用沒意義的模板尤其是大陸人的空洞句這樣拿不到高分